From Stan to Ron:The letters

  • Dear Ron

    I’m writing to you now as I had no time at Xmas with Mary wanting shopping and Emile having measles again.Since then life has calmed down a little.We had a party last week which went well,I believe though,don’t tell anyone,I had my mistress here doing the drinks!I know I’m 98 but I still love women.
    Mary has been a good wife but she’s not glamorous enough for me.She wears a twinset and flowered skirt from Artigiano but she will have pen clipped to the front neck, her mobile in her 46H bra and a pair of pliers hanging from her belt and as well as that her nails are rough.
    What puzzles me is, and again,keep this secret, when we married she was as flat as a pancake yet she’s now got a front like the prow of a ship.
    I guess the ample cleavage is appealing to some men but I prefer skinny women…She blames me as she never ate until we married and she got the Jewish Cookery Book…God knows why as she was a Catholic then [but they have no cookbook].This book has everything,cheesecakes,sponge cakes,puddings,meat loaves and we have eaten all of it.
    I wonder why I am still thin and she is so fat when she rides a bike to work and I drive the car….scientists don’t seem to know.
    Still,I have my mistress who is quite slender and Mary seems to be elsewhere mentally…She reads Philosophy in bed.Is it my fault?I am so old I can’t change… but can she?I don’t mind her doing maths but I wish she wore a pearl satin nightie with lace all over it and some perfume… she smells of bike oil and Algipan heat rub.No wonder we never have any sex life now
    .Do you think maybe I should wear a nightie like that and see how she reacts?Have you ever done anything like that?We could have a chat on the phone.It’s not so much the sex,it’s the cuddling I like and whispering in her ears.Too late as she probably is reading a manual for her camera and checking the screwdrivers and the files.
    She has even stolen my camera…nary a word.
    Still,there we go…life is hard.Emile had a very bad bout of measles and I kept him in for 3 weeks resting in a box.I wonder if he will catch chickenpox,I find him a worry though he is funny too and can swim!He is very rare.
    I fear owing to the cat etc I have no real news.But I’d love to hear yours and remember,don’t tell anybody what I have confided in you.I hope we can meet in the Spring time
    Till then,keep well.
    Adios amigo
    Your friend
    Stan

    ps I must tell you about Satan next time,you won’t believe it

  • The reply

    Dear Stan
    I am answering your letter immediately as I am very irate about your behaviour.
    Muriel ran away with an artist but it was all above board; we had none of this deception.Can’t you speak to Mary?She seems quite charming to me.And your fantasies of wearing silk nightdresses seem odd in a man of your age…By all means try it if it will help your marriage.Will Mary wear her tigerprint house dress?I loved it.In fact I’ve been in love with Mary for many years but backed off on moral grounds but if you are consorting with Satan and this female neighbour,I feel I ought to help poor Mary…if you divorce her.. let me know!
    Why does she carry pliers in her belt?Is she afraid of being attacked?As for her size,she does have a severe thryroid problem and that can play havoc with the weight.
    Most men would be delighted to be engulfed in her delightful bosom and to kiss her plump yet elegant neck and to embrace her with love and passion.
    Apart from Xmas,the old dog Gip died and Sally has had twins so Muriel is up from St Ives.I miss her but no longer so painfully and we want to be there for Sally and Ben.He’s only two and Malcolm travels so Ben will be quite hard hit by the twins coming.
    So I see myself being a helping grandad doing manly things with him.I’ll soon have him changing fuses and backing up his laptop.I may even show him how to make plum wine in the autumn.Sally is breastfeading Jill and Milly so she’ll get tired out.
    Has your Lyra never got married?That would occupy you.Emile is sweet but he is in fact just a cat.
    Can you not go to the pub like other men?Play darts or gamble,smoke cigars and discuss politics…
    Leave that neighbour alone or I shall swoop down to protect Mary like a giant owl on LSD.I’ll kill you.
    We had a roast goose for Xmas.It’s now recovered as it was only half cooked and I’ve dug a pond for it.I am mating it in the spring,I hope.. where do I buy a female goose?I am fond of goslings
    Now,just heed my words or I shall be very irate
    Your old friend and moral adviser
    Ron.

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About Kate Thwaite

I love writing , conversation, art, wild flowers, music and air.And books
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