I need to go back to the doctor
I’ve been looking ills up on the Net
I’ve got schizophrenia.
AIDS and anaemia
I am feeling a little depressed
If I read all the newsletters I signed for
I will find I have got more things wrong
I’ve got an ache in my bladder
I fell off the ladder
The hypochondria has got into both lungs
My bedroom is full of potatoes
As the kitchen has run out of space
Is this a disorder
Where is the border
Between creative ideas and disgrace?
The bathroom is covered in toothpaste
Why’s it so hard to remove?
My teeth still keep breaking
And my right hand is aching
I use alcohol to get soothed
But the wine merchant rang up my doctor
He told him a drank to excess.
My credit card bounced
No money to advance
And they’ve stolen my email address.
I guess I could eat baked potatoes
And fill myself up with baked beans
Money ain’t everything
But it’s the next best thing
Heinz has been blessed by the Queen